Informant U: How to become an informant...sort of

for the record, here’s the official statement on The Company’s use of informants:

“The courts have recognized that the government’s use of informants is
lawful and often essential to the effectiveness of properly authorized law
enforcement investigations. However, use of informants to assist in the
investigation of criminal activity may involve an element of deception,
intrusion into the privacy of individuals, or cooperation with persons whose
reliability and motivation may be open to question.

Although it is legally permissible for the The Company to use
informants in its investigations, special care is taken to carefully evaluate
and closely supervise their use so the rights of individuals under investigation
are not infringed. The Company can only use informants consistent with
specific guidelines issued by the Attorney General that control the use of
informants.”

so, about that specific guidelines thing? couldnt tell you what those would be. i dont remember reading about them, or having Chief read them to me when I signed my life away started my new life here. ive heard they sometimes use teenagers to help them catch online predators. they teach their agents how to talk like teenagers in chat rooms and stuff. doubt they get paid for it. they probably get like a plaque or a certificate. something lame like that.

in my case, you have to upstage The Company. You have to make them look bad, and make their agents seem like bumbling idiots like that inspector dude from the pink panther movies. should The Company ever approach you and offer you a position as an informant, you will want to haggle: “if you want me to do this for you, you have to do something for me.” and make sure its something big. and realistic. i mean, they cant make it so you dont have to pay taxes for the rest of your life. you would have to do something mongo like save the world. but they could buy you a car, a really expensive vacation or college tuition for all 4 years. or, ya know, a whole new life somewhere else (but this might depend on how long theyve been after the criminal in question).